i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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