I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
