He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
