Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
