someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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