I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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