Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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