I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
