Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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