and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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