Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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