His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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