My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
