We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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