apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
