ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
