ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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