I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
