So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
