You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
