just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
