I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
