Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize