We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
