you traded sex for a burrito?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
