I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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