watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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