And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
