My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
