I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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