The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
