Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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