That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize