I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
is that a dick in a sweater?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
