You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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