She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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