Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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