Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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