pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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