This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
