after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Your cock deserves a montage
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
