Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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