Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize