"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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