Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
