You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
