Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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