It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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