There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
