I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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