He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize