I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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