Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
