why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
