Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
