every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
