there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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