So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
