she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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