I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
