So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
